Well, what an interesting couple of weeks we have had. I took a week off to vote, and to remain attentive to the larger world around me. There were wins and losses, both personal and political. Today I am reflecting on losing a friend, and the larger lesson of compassion that remains in their absence.
My friend did not die. My friend did not split away from me because we had such opposite voting strategies. It was a much more subtle end, and the culmination of a pattern that lasted our entire friendship.
The whole story of what happened belongs to my former friend and me alone. I am certain our versions would diverge widely, and like Rashomon, each one would contain only part of the truth. That doesn’t matter.
What matters to me is this: in the conversations where our friendship was ending, I realized that we have fundamentally different views of compassion. They saw compassion as a limited thing, to be offered first and fullest to an inner circle of trusted people. Then, if there was anything left, it could settle on some other people. Compassion was a pie you offered only to those who had earned it.
I see compassion as a running spring, where you can dip in again and again and still come away with a full cup. I felt like I could care about and comment on the injustices faced by one group of people and still care about injustices for other groups of people.
And, for me, in the weeks leading up to midterms, there were so many injustices to care about that if compassion were a limited commodity, I would have been out of it almost immediately.
There is a small way that I realize my former friend is right, however. Without adequate self-awareness, self-care, and support, any human is subject to burn out. It’s part of the reason why it is so much harder to hold deep compassion for large numbers of people than it is for a single individual.
I come back, then, to this moment. Sitting here in the aftermath of midterm elections and the demise of a friendship, thinking about what comes next. For me, that involves looking keenly at the world right in front of me and seeing where I can be kind. At the same time, it involves keeping my larger eyes open to a world that is changing in ways I don’t understand or agree with, speaking about what I see, and standing up for what I believe is right. This commitment to speaking up started a couple of weeks ago with my former friend. I already know sad, bad, and unexpected things can happen. And I know it is necessary.