What do you do when the right decision for you is also the one that causes the most panic? If you’re me, normally you ignore it and hunker down with the safest choice instead. Then, maybe, something happens to split open your life, and all the usual choices are blown to bits. So, what do you do?
If you’re me, you take ten steps back, then run directly into the panic, waving your arms and screaming “Towanda!”
A full time faculty position recently opened up at the school. It would be that rare unicorn among MTs — a job with a consistent salary, regular hours, and benefits. Benefits! I had those when I worked in corporatetown. They were soooo . . . . safe.
I sent in my resume for the job. The salary and benefits would go a long way to eliminate the things I worry about. But, I just started a practice that could be a beautiful expression of my work. I am getting more involved with teaching oncology massage, and I just signed a preliminary contract to provide massage at a nursing home. None of these things have benefits beyond feeding my passion and making me excited to wake up every day. None of these things have security beyond that of knowing I am doing what I was meant to do.
Benefits, though, and the hypnotic charms of financial security. I interviewed for the position, and they wanted me. They hoped I would apply before they posted the job. They saw me doing well in the job. To tell the truth, so did I.
Today, I turned them down. I will still remain as part time faculty, because the teaching makes me a better therapist, and because I do need some consistent income. I decided to take on this new independent adulthood, and move towards the things I am best at, even if they aren’t exactly secure right now. I am running towards the panic, arms outstretched. Maybe some of you think I’ve made the wrong decision, and I’m okay with that. Maybe you’re right, and I’m okay with that too. Maybe I will stumble, fall, crash and even burn. But I’ll be happier for it.